Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
