The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
