i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
