life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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