so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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