So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
