i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
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You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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