If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
