it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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