So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
