I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
