You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
