I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
