I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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