Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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