if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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