You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
