She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
