i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
