Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
