Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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