I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
