I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
