I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
