why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
