my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
