mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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