Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
