I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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