You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
