This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
