First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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