People with herpes should wear stickers.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Fuck appropriateness.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
