I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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