yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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