its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
