I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Randomize
