Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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