Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
