Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
