remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
