Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
