This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
