Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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