Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it's like heaven, but drunker
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
