Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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