I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dicks are not precious.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
