I can text with my tongue
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
