I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
