I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
