the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
