If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
