i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
