I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
