New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
