my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
