She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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