before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
