Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
