my phone needs a breathalizer
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
