This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
