That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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