Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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