My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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