dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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